Apologies from a socially awkward black girl

A freestyle poem I wrote some time ago that has been resonating with me lately.

Poetry used to be a huge emotional outlet for me whenever journaling or simply venting about what I was feeling just wasn’t enough. I love free verse poetry because I can be as honest, raw, and unapologetically myself without having to follow any rules.

At some point, I stopped because I convinced myself that I was not a good poet. Imposter syndrome sucks. I randomly wrote a poem the other day and then remembered I have like 50 poems just sitting in a folder on my notes app. So, I decided to share some with you all!

This poem was written after a long shift at work a few years back. I was a junior in college and had picked up a part-time cashier job at a liquor store. As you can imagine, it was not an ideal place to work. I am a very introverted and soft-spoken so naturally, that made my job very difficult. Most days I felt pretty invisible and like no one truly respected me because I was so shy and awkward. I also saw the female coworkers that would recieve attention and praise from customers and management, one in particular being conventionally attractive, sociable, and overtly friendly; the complete opposite of how I felt about myself.

Being an anxious black girl often comes with this uncomfortable feeling that people are confused by my personality, some even mistaking my introvertness as me being standoffish and unapproachable. I think people have this idea of what a black woman should be like in their mind based on cliche stereotypes about us having loud personalities. And in general, I just think the world cannot stand black women no matter how we present ourselves.

Hopefully, this can be a reminder that black women are not a monolith. We come in so many different forms and each of them deserve to be respected and valued.

Anyways, enjoy reading! This one is very personal to me so please be nice if you wish to share any comments :)

Apologies from a socially awkward black girl

By: Hannyah

I’m sorry that I don’t smile really big and flash my pearly white teeth when you approach me

In fact I never smile with my teeth because they’re slightly yellow, jagged, and crooked

I’m sorry that I always stutter when I ask “How are you doing?”

I’m sorry that I don’t smile and tell you to have a good day before we part ways because I’m too embarrased

I’m sorry that I’m not louder, my voice can be like a whisper

I’m sorry that my words don’t naturally roll off the tongue, instead they drag and screech

I’m sorry that the presence of my youth isn’t more refreshing like other girls my age

I’m sorry for not calling you baby or sweet heart to make you feel special

I’m sorry that my hair isn’t long, straight, and flowing effortlessly down my back

I’m sorry that it’s not wet and wavy like I just finished taking a dip inside the pool

I’m sorry if I look down at my phone whenever I see you coming towards me because I feel too inferior to look you in the eyes

I’m sorry if my radio silence makes you feel like I’m being a bitch

I’m sorry that I don’t wear tighter clothes that hug my body in ways where you can see the exact shape and volume of my ass for you to admire

I’m sorry that I don’t get my nails done, perfectly square and white french tips; instead mine are uneven and stained with red hair dye

I’m sorry that I’m not more memorable

I’m sorry that I’m not more relatable

I’m sorry that my first name is so hard to pronounce

I’m sorry on behalf of my mother for not just naming me Hannah because it’s easier to remember

I’m sorry that I don’t always have an answer to your questions

I am sorry.

I wish I had the ability to shrink myself to fit your standards

Unfortunately I was born as a socially awkward black girl with severe anxiety disorder

I can only do my best

But even at my best, I know it will never be good enough.